welcome to my world

Scared little girl

2009-06-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

The russet colored blood spattered to the ground last night. The sanguine fluid slid from the slender gash and rolled off one side of the wrist dropping to the floor in small beads, staining the carpet below. The doxie whimpered in anguish as the small edge dragged across her sensitive skin.

Knife in hand, she looked from the shiny metal now blemished with the deep red color that didn't belong there, to her arm; entranced she sat watching the life's blood escape the vain, chuckling to herself.

Closing her eyes she let the pain envelope her, becoming drunk with the ecstasy of thoughts racing through her mind. Thinking thoughts of her demise. Thinking not of those she knew she would hurt with her actions, just wanting to be rid of the pain of loss searing through the blood as it was pumped through the veins by her ailing heart.

What was she? she wondered.

She was just a scared little girl, who didn't know what to do with the loss of the one she loves more then life itself. She felt her heart break as she watched him walk away. She held out with a few strands of hope, but over time they became frayed at the ends and they finally broke. The grips on her sanity loosened, and a that point her fate was sealed. Because with out him she was nothing, because without him her heart became still.

wish upon a star

2009-06-13T17:45:00.000-07:00

Good night little star, maybe tonight my wish will come true.

Sleep tight little star, I'll be dreaming along with you.

And if I wake up tomorrow and he is still my friend....

then I'll see you tomorrow little star to try my wish again.

/sigh

2009-05-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

lost, I am alone again.

Laughter has become fake, and giggles forced, but no one see's the truly unhappy me, for if I truly let it out even just for myself, then I would be worried for my own well being. A few nights ago I reached a breaking point, when I let myself become a pawn to my own unhappy heart. Saying "fine! take me if you want too, what do I care!" Shutting off my brain and trying to harden my heart, but care I did, and my heart broke as you avoided my lips and your hands wrapped around my neck, deciding that you didn't want me as your lover, but as a toy, using me like I knew deep down you would. I knew you didn't care about me, that there was no love between you and I, but I wanted to feel loved, to have something that might make me feel better some how, instead of feeling so alone. I ended up feeling worse. I wondered how you could do this without feeling something, anything, I begged for you to stop inside my head over and over, as the tears began to well up in my eyes. I looked up at yours then and watched as you ignored my sorrow, and I realized I was just something you truly didn't care for. After it was over, I stood up and grabbed my belongings but only made it as far as the door before my knees collapsed beneath me, I rocked dangerously on the grips of sanity, hating myself for what I had done. I was violently shaking half clothed, curled in a small ball. The sobs I heard emitting from my mouth were so heart wrenching I wondered if they were even my own, not recognizing the pure sound of such pain. You came to me then, but by then it was too late. You realized your mistake, and now it was up for me to decide. I'd been contemplating my life in those few seconds, looking back on all my mistakes and wrong doings, wondering if the world would be better off without me, I knew that I would be causing pain for those that love me, if I indeed gave in. I called the two people I could call at that time of night, Logan was my first thought because I new he would ask what was the matter, but would not push it far, if I wasn't comfortable telling him yet. I knew that he would just listen to me cry, do what he could to help, and just be there for me, till I cried myself to sleep, but he ended up being busy, playing with the only other person I could call. I ended up calling Matt anyways that night, and tried to tell him everything. He ended up calming me and talking to me, telling me that all was well. He told me stories and he has the uncanny ability to make me want to talk to him, about things I really don't want to talk about, so I got most things off my chest. The next night I wondered if I could truly change for the better, or will I just revert to the old ways as things got tougher. I am powerless against your touch, I succumb to your whims. Fighting is not something I can do against you. Matt warned me to stay away, after you asked for the dress that one day some few weeks ago. He knew what you wanted and I was naive for being so trusting, of my so called angel. I was back to my old self. The hallowed out shell, that won't allow anyone in, to show only what I want to show, and never let anyone know, to the depths of what I really feel inside.

2009-02-17T10:11:00.000-08:00

Hey its me! Again I've neglected in signing in >.< hehe. I realize what this site does for me to just vegg out and just type out how Im feeling. The best time, like now is when my class gets canceled and i can just hang here. In the giant new school library without getting distacted by the infamous world of warcraft.

Tryyani has now hit 80! With a little help from the men of Dominion. :) School is doing well when the classes arn't being canceled right before midterm. >.O Driving me to insanity. Still working on trying to find a job. Im trying to figure out what I want in the relationship area. I don't know what I want, and its driving me crazy. I know that I need friends, just everything in the area of a relationship with the opposite sex has gone so wrong.

I dont want to hurt anyone else. Im done with the hurt and the pain of break ups. I dont want to have anyone wait for me. I had that once and it turned on me and ended up killing my soul. Its taken so long to get over it. I just want to have a good time with friends and get to know the world again as not such a bad place.

well I gotz to go.

()()
(o.o)
(_()()

The rose by any other name has wilted...

2009-02-03T20:50:00.000-08:00

The sad story of my romantic existence, is fading in the darkness. A match that burned bright with hope, now glows faintly before only ash and smoke remain to remind one of death as it is snuffed out. Such a small feeble attempt at what could be a last chance, a redeeming hope. It is now lost, for I can not turn back, and replace the hurt with joy. I see not how I could have kept him. Though I wish it upon all the stars in the sky that it might be otherwise. Knowing what I now know, knowing that by telling him all, I would kill him inside.

Laying awake at night, unable to sleep as old nightmares crossed my path, tempting my grip on sanity to loosen. Calling me out like a Sirens sweet tune, luring me into sweet temptation to end such suffering, to just drift into a state of uncaring to never wake. Never to have to hurt like this again. I've now come to a state of mind, where I am numb, not numb in the sence that if I am physically injured I would not feel, but in a state of mental numbness. I knew the day would come, but how does one ever fully prepare?

I've come to compare this past experience to a story of two star crossed lovers, who were destined to be torn apart. The twisted version of Romeo and Juliet. I stand here now watching my heart turn to ash as the last of the scarred pieces are burned, to float away with the gentle breeze of the cold night. Watching as I tear out more and more, killing all feeling, freezing my blood, only to have it gush seeping blood from the gigantic hole. My actions and fate brought this moment to pass hurting more and more of those I come in contact with.

I feel so lost. So unsure of what to do next, which road to take. I stand back and see the destruction I have reaped upon those I care most about, I know I need not burden them more. I need not use them as a crutch. I can not ask them to stay, and I can not keep them here with me. I ask myself now.

Do I take that vile of poison, to only end up condemning my soul to damnation?

p.s. for those who will worry. I am not suicidal. I only write what I feel, as I write. I mean it as a metaphor to discribe emptiness. So yeah no worries :]

knocked down and bleeding...

2008-12-04T18:26:00.000-08:00

The crashing and burning of my world flew by with out much pomp and circumstance, I sank deeper and deeper into the depths of what could only be described as hell on earth. The pain and torture of a soul about to break. I can only see in condemning my self to this inevitable fate. Nothing seems to be going the right way, it seems that nothing could possibly get better. That my world has stopped revolving and now time stands still in this one spot. Only the ache in my heart to convince me that I am still connected to this orbiting rock rotating around the sun.

My feelings have been stolen, not by anyone but myself, locked away as I had promised a friend to keep them. My emotions torn so that I don't feel the hatred in my heart, after what was done causing this to hurt so bad. My thoughts are in an erratic disarray going from one extreme to the next. I can no longer feel the excruciating pain of the knife stabbed ruthlessly through my heart as it dulled to only a searing pain. If not for it today I might have had hope of repair, only another knife was ruthlessly plunged into my heart. Now it stands twisted and mutilated beyond repair. I thought I was used to this... of people walking away. I thought no one could get under the careful guard I set in place, but one did.

I will let no one hurt me again, because I can not stand this hurt. which is causing me to cry out in physical pain as I fall to my knees, holding tight to my last bit of sanity, clasping my arms around my torso where the gaping hole now stands. My body bent over as it is wracked by uncontrolable sobs as my sorrow knows no end. My one piller gone as he told me I was no longer worth praying for. My only thought at that time was I hope that I grow sick fast and my time expire quickly, for without him my last hope was lost.

I know not how I will survive through this.

Again I will relearn that memories are the best souvenirs.

Almost a new year.

2008-11-18T16:36:00.000-08:00

Well! its certainly been a while since I last wrote here in my spot to let my feelings out. It took me a while to even remember the password to this site. But as you can see I got in to it.

I am trying to put my heart together from all the trama of the past year. From fiance' to one boyfriend to the next. I just really want someone to be there. I know that I have my moments that I am stressed beyond belief and I am difficult to be around.

I have been looking back and most of the down falls in my past relationships. I see I am at blame for the failing of the relationships. I just want the attention. I want to be the center of your world because when you become my boyfriend you become the center of mine. I literally try my best to do what ever I can for you.

Im still getting over my fears of men moving too fast around me, but Im getting really good at not flinching around those that I know. I was still having trouble with that at the beginning of the year, and a bit recently.

I sometimes have a problem with telling white lies because I hate to fight. I would rather avoid fighting as much as possible. Im just one of those people that would rather run away from a fight with a boy then stand my ground with one. Girls I can handle, I have no problem telling them what is on my mind.

I have to go in for testing soon Im rather scared about that and not looking forward to that experience. Its so nerve wracking and Im never happy to go there. Because I hate waiting for the results of reather or not that I will get terribly sick or if I will get to worry about it for another 6 months. It sucks so much.

Ive met a few cool new people.

Matt- Bug-a-boo as I call him. he is a really sweet guy, he reminds me of a friend that I have named Mark here in Florida. Though I doubt Matt is a 6'4" half asian. hehe. They both have hearts pure as gold. <3 thanks so much for being there. I need you around the both of you.

The Men of Dominion- they are sweethearts as well, since I think that I am the only female in the guild now a days. Hehe they always have a nice couple of jokes to share.

Mr. Garcia- a kid in my Intro to Ed class. that had a slight crush on me when he and I first met. but yeah. he is a nice guy, just not really my type. He is hillarious though, which is awesome I like that so much about him.

Jay's brother- he's pretty awesome, just like his brother. hehe they are a couple of my favorite Hispanic New Yorkians I know!! hehe. We are skip buddies for my history class. Though his loving adoration of his girlfriend, as he gets all misty eyed at the thought of her leaves a little to be desired from a conversation at times.

knowing

2008-09-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

Looking at the clock as it goes tick tock, tick tock

watching as the blood flows and patters drip drop, drip drop, against the floor.

no feeling inside, staring at the wall, watching the phone for just one call

Knowing just knowing no one would notice, knowing no one would care

Knowing just knowing that no one would send out a flare

that of hope that I might be rescued.

casting one single glance at the empty vase, and the package never sent.

Looking at the picture thinking that reality had torn and bent.

But no it was just the tears filling in my eyes.

Knowing just knowing that the funeral that they would throw would be filled with only sighs.

For no one would cry, for the lost sheep that had been slaughtered by the wolf waiting in the darkness.

Meh

2008-08-03T00:07:00.000-07:00

I guess Im in a pissy mood as Jordan would call it. Miffed. But I don't know if it covers all that I feel. I feel like I put myself out there on a line, like those a tight rope walker, tip toes across, and I fell before the eyes of the audience to the safety netting below.

Im embarassed at the moment, and I just kinda want to crawl under a rock and hide from everything and everyone. I know Im going to have to get over it, but I just want to curl up an hide.

Looking back

2008-07-29T23:46:00.000-07:00

Haha Im feeling a little sadistic right now, at 2:47 in the morning, unable to sleep as I run the past over and over in my head. I know I should have let the bitterness go by now, but I cant help Wondering how much I have changed over the past few years, after those closest to me betrayed me. (Not Raye...<3...Shes my bff).

Looking out at the moon, it makes me want to cry for its beauty and its pain, being all alone out there, with only the stars as company. I cant help but feel the same at times, like the moon and I are kindred souls. (haha I guess the nickname Serena fits -sailor moon-)

Im feeling better about there being men in my life again, starting to feel as if I can start to trust a few, though after men like those of my past, I wonder if all men will someday turn corrupt. Or if it happens to be only those that live in florida, wanting to live the ghetto thug life. Wanting only to drink, get high, and party, treating women like trash. I still after 2 years cant help but flinch at times, when guys I know would never hurt me moves to fast.

My mom found out recently, though a friend of mine Slipping up at work, oh I wanted to kill KT. I have never been so mad in my life at someone, it mad me sick when my mother asked me for details, and I wouldn't give them to her, not wanting to dredge up the past before my eyes, making the cuts run anew. I find I like it much better to try and surpress them.

Though it seems to be looking up, I've started making really awesome friends in the last few weeks, which is freaking great. I thank you all,

Jordan- the sweet, tempramental guy, that has his rough around the edges moments, but its part of your charm, Who even when Miffed at me, still checks to see if Im alright ^.^..... (you big tease) lol.....

Matt- the gentle military man (who would rather just be taken as a man, than an army man). The caring, watch man..as I see him.

Lycan-My kin, my brother in crime, so it seems, we are similar in our pasts, though I did look back at my parents in longing, where you never did and...

Bradley- the gentle bear, who opened my eyes to what was going on around me, and your loyalty to one, who you knew so little about, but protected, and sheltered through a rough time in life your all showing me that men can be nice, and that is a big step.

Tryyani finally hit 70 ^.^ WoW is my addiction, my home away from home, when I need a break from reality, shes Amazing my smexy night elf hunter. Well I must say sorry to someone >.< this was kinda a sad blog, but kinda a nice one too ^.^

Happy

2008-07-29T21:52:00.000-07:00

JORdan is Awesomeness he makes me happy <3

Lost <3'd one

2008-07-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

I Miss you, Damn it

You left me to go somewhere, where I can not visit.

So I went a little crazy in your absense,

Being with out you just made no sense.

Daddys been upset since your leaving, and you left huge shoes to fill

Im afraid im going to fail you

when I found out my heart stood still

I miss your guidence.

I miss your smile.

I miss waking up and knowing I had you there.

You were so strong, you kept the bond.

The family is now split in two with out you.

I wish I could cry it out, sometimes I feel so blue.

you left a hole in my heart, a gap that will never fill.

for no one could ever replace you, and no one ever will

RIP ZACK.

Journal enty of the bleeding heart

2008-07-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

A Entry of a bleeding heart filled only with sorrow...

Can you not see that your hurting me? If not how blind can you be? Dragging me deeper into darkness and dispair. Cutting me deeper, and it seems that you don't even care.

Sorrow is taking me over, Swallowing me deeper into the depths of my soul as I fall, and once you finally notice it may be to late to call.

Have I not been through enough torture, causing my vison to blur. I've already been through alot and just want the agony to stop.

I'm sick now, and my heart is weak, so sick at times I can bearly speek.

Watch as im ripped to shreads at my very core, you can see the gash where the blood is seeping out of my heart where it tore.

Go ahead laugh my sorrow is funny, and now as I talk my voice is filled with salt or hunny.

Please let me know if this pain will soon stop, for if not all hope is lost for the stone covering my grave will eventually stop.

I need to know so I may hold on a bit longer to my sanity, for what once made me happy, I can no longer hear the free bird sing, am I now def? can it be?

The dagger is out shining dangerously, as the fall of tears and I wallow in agony.

Pain and agony are the only constant thing in my life, no matter my feeling nor the constant struggle or strife.

should I now fall, and step back lose it all? I can not keep believing, myself i keep deceiving

The pain and the sorrow is swallowing me whole, and now im being burnt touched all these hot coals called words.

Im lost now and im crying out loud, the sound of my voice no longer high and proud.

Im calling for you my once honored friends, and I will keep calling you until the very end....