Laughter has become fake, and giggles forced, but no one see's the truly unhappy me, for if I truly let it out even just for myself, then I would be worried for my own well being. A few nights ago I reached a breaking point, when I let myself become a pawn to my own unhappy heart. Saying "fine! take me if you want too, what do I care!" Shutting off my brain and trying to harden my heart, but care I did, and my heart broke as you avoided my lips and your hands wrapped around my neck, deciding that you didn't want me as your lover, but as a toy, using me like I knew deep down you would. I knew you didn't care about me, that there was no love between you and I, but I wanted to feel loved, to have something that might make me feel better some how, instead of feeling so alone. I ended up feeling worse. I wondered how you could do this without feeling something, anything, I begged for you to stop inside my head over and over, as the tears began to well up in my eyes. I looked up at yours then and watched as you ignored my sorrow, and I realized I was just something you truly didn't care for. After it was over, I stood up and grabbed my belongings but only made it as far as the door before my knees collapsed beneath me, I rocked dangerously on the grips of sanity, hating myself for what I had done. I was violently shaking half clothed, curled in a small ball. The sobs I heard emitting from my mouth were so heart wrenching I wondered if they were even my own, not recognizing the pure sound of such pain. You came to me then, but by then it was too late. You realized your mistake, and now it was up for me to decide. I'd been contemplating my life in those few seconds, looking back on all my mistakes and wrong doings, wondering if the world would be better off without me, I knew that I would be causing pain for those that love me, if I indeed gave in. I called the two people I could call at that time of night, Logan was my first thought because I new he would ask what was the matter, but would not push it far, if I wasn't comfortable telling him yet. I knew that he would just listen to me cry, do what he could to help, and just be there for me, till I cried myself to sleep, but he ended up being busy, playing with the only other person I could call. I ended up calling Matt anyways that night, and tried to tell him everything. He ended up calming me and talking to me, telling me that all was well. He told me stories and he has the uncanny ability to make me want to talk to him, about things I really don't want to talk about, so I got most things off my chest. The next night I wondered if I could truly change for the better, or will I just revert to the old ways as things got tougher. I am powerless against your touch, I succumb to your whims. Fighting is not something I can do against you. Matt warned me to stay away, after you asked for the dress that one day some few weeks ago. He knew what you wanted and I was naive for being so trusting, of my so called angel. I was back to my old self. The hallowed out shell, that won't allow anyone in, to show only what I want to show, and never let anyone know, to the depths of what I really feel inside.
0 comments:
Post a Comment